Scientists Finish Exploring the Ocean
April 1, 2023
In a stunning announcement, marine scientists reported today that they have learned everything there is to know about the ocean.
“We understand that this probably comes as a shock” said representatives speaking on behalf of all ocean researchers. “People tend to view the sea as a vast realm of endless mysteries. But it turned out those mysteries weren’t endless, and we solved them.”
“I mean, 1.335 billion cubic kilometers of water can only merit so much research” the scientists added.
The esteemed community of experts, who have studied the ocean and its bountiful life for thousands of years, suggested that they had known the field would be wrapping up soon for a while now.
“To be honest, the writing was on the wall after our twenty-second dive to the Challenger Deep in 2022” the scientists admitted. “We just didn’t want to disappoint our graduate students. The good news is that the collapse of marine science as a field won’t have a very large effect on their income.”
After some initial confusion as all research operations ground to a halt, an investigation revealed that the final ocean science publication ever was a paper describing a new deep-sea sponge symbiont.
“Those things kept us busy for a while,” the scientists said. “We almost ran out of scientific names. But there were a limited number of sponges to check, and we finally made it to the last one.”
When asked about their next steps, ocean scientists reported that they were carefully considering their options. While some pointed to research opportunities in bodies of water elsewhere in the solar system, others expressed happiness that, after many years at sea, they might now have a day or two to visit family.
“It’s sort of a relief, really” the experts said. “Reaching the end of ocean science as we know it may even allow us to catch up on our email.”
At press time, ocean scientists were sighing and returning to work as 13 million unidentified bacteria were discovered in the Arctic Ocean.
Happy April Fool’s Day from DOSI! This article is a joke: There’s plenty more research to do in the ocean. We’re looking forward to it!